<3, me

Sometimes, I wish this was all a dream.
30 seconds of imaginary lalaland that loses its original image and identity overtime. Unfortunately, this goodamn life doesn't function in the way I want it to. Instead of taking the position of the conductor, I let it to just roll along by itself, oblivious of series of negativity and regret that would come back to hunt me into path of terror. Into something that would mold into an unutterably awful mess.

Sometimes, I wish to acquire the capability to let go - every last piece of crap and unwanted memories. Or, even the ability to take everything inside, and not hurt. Is such desire categorized as greed? Mere wishes that will forever be a burden to whatever I do to happify myself?

Sometimes, I ponder if all this anxiety and frustration is worth it. Without any early warnings, it has become a habit, or perhaps a routine. Maybe I should be more understanding. Maybe you are just clueless as to how opened I am when it comes to the truth and the possible action of sensitivity from deliverance is grabbing at you with fear. Maybe I should be settled. I know it’s been going on for way too long, but I'm now too big-headed to be cuddled up in someone's arms for protection. And really, all I'm asking here is for you to lend a hand in my desperate, unending struggle to savor every minute of life and what it has to offer.


Thus, in conclusion:
My multiple attempts to smile is wearing out.
I'm thirsty for some genuineness here.

Oh, how I wish I can say, just keep me satisfied with pieces of love, a motivation, and maybe a quick shake in the shoulder. Then I will be good to go. Oh fosho dude!

But no, life is complication – a jumble of fucked up nonsense. An ugly mass of confusion, frustration, and the final cry of “I GIVE UP!!!!” Puhhhlease, don't even allow me to utter those last words of a quitter.


Or... just leave me alone and let me be the little sulky bitch I can be. Thank you very much.